Posts Tagged ‘2005’

The hair-in-the-shower story

March 28, 2013

I lose a handful of hair everytime I wash it. To keep it out of the drain, I stick it to the wall during my shower, then throw it in the trash after.

My husband one day accused me of sticking it to the wall and leaving it there.

“I have never.”

Now, obviously he was right, or how would he know I stuck it to the wall? But I felt sure I never left it there.

I had the nerve to hold my ground.

The next night during my shower I got an idea that struck me as terribly funny. I wrote “HI” on the shower wall with my hair.

And left it there.

I came out of the bathroom and told the kids what I had done.

When my husband went to take his shower, the kids and my goddaughter, who was living with us at the time, ran with me into the office. It was across the hall from the bathroom.

My daughter giggled, “Wait for it…”

We were rewarded with a chuckly bellow, “Oh, you are such a pig!” 

Marriage is fun.

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Another PTA, another ousting

January 6, 2013

When my children were in elementary school, I ran an after-school journalism program there, and taught kids how to make their own newspaper.

Based on this, the PTA made me the publicity chair. This would prove to be a mistake.

One of the first events of the year was a fund-raising effort wherein every child was told to sell lots of wrapping paper. I’m against this. It happened every year.

Children who got at least 10 orders were treated to a pizza party with a magician.

At the PTA meeting the year before, the principal — about whom I have nothing nice to say — mentioned that the party was going on in the cafeteria when she took the regular lunch kids through, and she pointed out to them that if they had sold their share, they would have been enjoying pizza and disappearing quarters.

I found her strutting distasteful. I hadn’t let my kids sell anything that year, because it embarrasses me to put friends and neighbors on the spot. That stuff is expensive. I went home from the meeting and asked my son if the principal had done and said that.

“Yeah.” He didn’t care. I make good lunches. I always put a comic strip in there.

Back to the following year, when I had a position on the board. I let my kids participate in the thing because they wanted to earn the little portable TV they could get if they got 100 orders. They were going to pool their sheets and split the prize.

My friend from work ordered some peanut brittle, and I said jokingly that his order would save them from being paraded through the party, being the 10th.

I forget my collegues have the power of the press. This particular friend was no longer at my paper. He was now a section editor at the rival one.

He wrote a section-front editorial on the shameful goings on at my children’s school.

Well, I was in charge of getting the place publicity….

Our stint as babysitters

January 5, 2013

One week the studio where I used to do my dance workouts begged a boon from all the members. They needed people to donate time in the childcare room.

My son and I volunteered to do it for one morning class.

Early in the hour a little boy came to me with untied shoes. I knelt and tied them.

He smiled proudly, reached for the laces ends and pulled them both free.

I tied them again. He untied them again. This went on until I realized I was an idiot and sent him to my son.

Toward the end of the hour he came back to me with untied laces.

“Tie shoes please.” He could speak? Who knew? I tied his shoes.

He untied them while saying, “Imp.”

I looked over my son, who was smiling proudly.

Who’s the bigger imp?

Whoops

December 22, 2012

My daughter and I went to the grocery store, and there a was an advertisement on the cart with a woman’s picture on it.

The woman had on a tragic hat, her head was painfully cocked and her eyes were opened unnaturally wide.

I don’t know what the ad was for, but it was distracting in its bizarreness. We almost walked into a rack of fruit.

My daughter said, “Do you imagine that woman saw this photo and approved it? Like, she had a choice, and said, ‘This is the image of me I want people to see?'”

I was wondering the same thing, and was trying to think of how to answer as we approached the kiwis.

I looked up to select some. Guess who was behind us.

I gave my daughter a small kick and a frown, and indicated the lady with my eyes, as if to say ‘ixnay.’

It seems impossible to me, though, that this doesn’t happen to her every time she shops.

My daughter is paying attention

December 11, 2012

One evening when I was picking my daughter up from her piano lesson, the instructor gave her some kind of certificate. Across the top it said, “Reach for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

I’ve seen this phrase before. I’ve never found it particularly inspiring.

When we got in the car my daughter said, “What a dumb certificate.”

I looked over at her. She had it on her lap, and wasn’t wearing any expression on her face.

“You don’t like it?”

“The moon is much closer to us than the stars.”

Oh yeah.

The diner story

July 15, 2012

My high school best friend is in town for a visit. She’s leaving tomorrow, but really wants to eat at Kay’s, a breakfast diner that was downtown and legendary when we were growing up.

It has since moved to a nearby town. It’s around the corner from the medical center.

One afternoon I had taken my son to the medical center for hearing tests — he has to have his hearing monitored; there are issues because of the tumors. The tests were taking a long time and we were starving.

Finally, someone came into the waiting room and told us he failed the hearing test in one ear, and we had an appointment with a different doctor in 90 minutes.

We were out the door and Kay’s-bound before you could say blueberry pie.

Then we were so hungry we couldn’t decide what to order.

It went like this: I’ll have the chicken-fried steak and eggs, no wait, the cinnamon roll, except, oooh, maybe I want a waffle….

The waitress kept glancing toward the door, but we were intent on our menus.

Then she leaned in and whispered, “I need you order quickly, because the health department is shutting us down right now.”

We looked over to see a guy in a uniform putting a huge chain and padlock on the front door — dramatic, but unnecessary, I thought — and a sign saying the restaurant was indefinitely out of business by order of the government.

My son and I were so hungry, all we could think of was that we ought to order as much as possible before they closed the kitchen.

We took one of everything.

My son cracks me up again

July 10, 2012

I learned some yicky statistics about how many spiders the average person swallows annually while sleeping and such.

Among these fun facts was that Americans eat an average of 12 pubic hairs a year in fast food.

I shared this with my kids.

My son said, “Boy, I feel sorry for the guy who only eats fast food once a year.”