My mother’s nerves

I’ve just come home from an International Day of Peace banquet, at which my mother received the annual Citizen’s Action for Peace award.

She was so nervous she made herself sick, starting Friday.

Her award was presented after a three-and-a-half-hour program of speakers, music and dining.

She sat trembling in her seat, trying not to look at her plate of food, until her introduction, presentation and acceptance speech were behind her.

Then she grabbed a fork, relaxed and dug in.

She has always been like this. I’ve tried various methods of calming her over the years.

Once she was to sing a duet in church. It was Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Pie Jesu.

She like to died waiting for the scripture reading to end.

Just as she was about to approach the microphone I said, “Hey Mom, do you know how to tell if a man is ticklish?”

“What? No.” She stood up. It was time.

“You give him a test tickle.”

I’m helpful.

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9 Responses to “My mother’s nerves”

  1. Jeremy A. Says:

    When I meet you at the banquet I thought your mother was presenting an award.
    (For some reason I remember in previous banquets that honorary people usually come up to present awards to the winner of the award. I frequently misunderstand things and occasionally have some strange, irrational ideas that just don’t make sense.)

    Later in the night when I saw that your mother was given the award, I was surprised.
    I wasn’t able to congratulate her after the banquet (so I guess this is a belated congrats wishing her wherever she is, congratulations).

    I can relate to being nervous while being the center of attention.
    I dislike award assemblies, asked to be in a photo, give speeches/presentations, etc.
    But somehow I managed to survive all of those things in the last 14 years!

  2. Will Says:

    I started reading this, and the only thing I could think about was that it was “Speak like a Pirate day” on Saturday.

  3. roberto Says:

    Your Nana (my mom) sent me the news clipping about the upcoming award ceremony. When I read it, the first thing I thought about was if your mom was going to write and deliver a speech and if she was nervous (which I knew she would be since she is a worrier of the first order).

    Your little test tickle joke was very thoughtful.

    They say you should imagine the audience naked. When I have to speak to a group, I always like to imagine myself naked. But then again, I’m perverted.

  4. roberto Says:

    This got me thinking a little about the various awards I won when I was doing games and stuff. The coolest ceremony where I won something was a very big deal with a huge crowd and all the Emmy-like award show trimmings (minus all the big movie stars). The emcee was Weird Al Yankovich.

  5. gunky Says:

    mr baumann has nothing to add to this?!

  6. Fred Bauman Says:

    Please tell Gunky I spell my name with only one ‘n’. Originally it was with two, but when I came to this country I couldn’t afford the second ‘n’ so I dropped it.

  7. fred bauman Says:

    Had I commented on your mother’s nerves blog as Gunky was expecting me to, I would probably have told you that I first heard the test tickle joke when I was 11 in England right along with what word starts with F and ends in UCK and the answer of course is firetruck. Also the mother telling her eight-year-old that masturbation made you go blind and he asked if he could just do it till he needed glasses. Finally I was reminded of the TV show where three bachelors, all of them Chinese, were asked their names. Bachelor number one what is your name?
    “My name One Hung Too Lo.”
    Bachelor number two?
    “My name Long Dong.”
    Batchelor number three?
    “My name Enormous Testicles!”
    I guess if you wait long enough the old will become new again. Or not.

  8. An impulse toward kindness « Stories O' Mine Says:

    […] O' Mine My life has been one long descent into respectability « My mother’s nerves The paging story […]

  9. An impulse toward kindness « Stories O' Mine Says:

    […] Stories O' Mine My life has been one long descent into respectability « My mother’s nerves […]

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